By OREVA GODWIN
The good days of our forefathers, when men were men are gone. When men proudly stood and took up responsibility and felt they had failed the family for not being able to provide for it’s upkeep. But now? Men scout for women that would split the bills. The hope is that the present generation would not make our forefathers turn in their graves. Before then, let’s look at how feminism has affected our homes in today’s Nigeria.
The first women’s rights convention was held in Seneca Falls, New York, in 1848 in America. And it spread like wildfire all over the world. It was triggered by inequality in work places and restriction of women in furthering their education. The advocacy was about women having equal right to own properties in their name, equal contracts, and the opposition to chattel marriage.
In the 19th century, it shifted to having the fundamental right to exercise their franchise. Feminism has made women independent, having a voice, helped in making them stand tall, and being a role models in society.
Every career driven woman is a feminist in a way. It’s either you exercise your rights in a positive way or in a negative way. It’s all depends on you and your choice. It has nothing to do with being a feminist.
Let’s look at the first self-made woman in America and also the first female millionaire. Her story reflects the reality of many marriages. Madam C.J. Walker was a born free slave. Life was never fair to her. She washed people’s clothes to survive and took care of herself and her daughter. Of course, with her husband’s support. She was born at a time when no woman in America had a voice politically or in business. Women were meant to be under the shadows of their husbands and look pretty for the man.
Madam Walker got interested in a hair treatment that made her hair grow cause the treatment helped her solve her hair issues. She reportedly stole the formula and started local production. But she redefined the formula and made better. She struggled to enter into the open market. Because she wasn’t as beautiful as other beauty influencers, it was initially difficult to penetrate the market. Yet, she never let her look limit her. Madam Walker put in more efforts, and with the support of her husband got a breakthrough. She became a feminist and advocated for equal rights, held women’s conventions, and broke protocols. She broke records that most top men could not attain, worst for a woman of colour.
But when Madam C.J. Walker started receiving honours and respect from men in high places, her husband felt disrespected. He accused her of lacking respect. This was a time when only a husband could speak with men when it came to business and politics. Madam Walker wouldn’t take any of that. She broke protocols and refused for her husband to speak for her, which made him livid. He felt each time they went out, he was not acknowledged. Only his wife was recognized. It was as if he never existed.
Out of frustration, Mr Walker started cheating on his wife with one of her sales representative. He also became an alcoholic. When Madam Walker found out the betrayal, she cut him off completely and worked harder, became a politician, philanthropist, and a multimillionaire. She died a fulfilled woman. What destroyed the marriage? Pride. The man’s ego made him lose everything he built with his wife. All because he was intimidated by his wife’s success, thereby robbing of fortunes. He lost all due his wife’s so called lack of respect.
Pride has destroyed so many homes. I know of a woman whose husband lost his job, and she became the breadwinner of the home. She will leave her husband at home at 7am, return at 7pm, and meet the house a total mess. No assistance of any sort from the husband. She even had to run two jobs to support the home. The husband failed to assist in cleaning the mess in the house. And whenever she complained, he retorted by accusing her of being disrespectful. But he failed to realize that respect had disappeared because she was the one bringing the money.
Can a lazy man be a stay at home dad? A lot of women say; “if you can’t bring in the money and support the home, then be a stay at home dad and take care of the kids and home, while we hustle and bring the money”. But pride won’t let an African man condescend to that level because it’s seen as being against our culture. Did your culture tell you to be lazy and jobless?
Actress Vivian A. Fox, the American actress, divorced her husband, because, he lost his deal with a recording label and did not pursue other opportunities like she was chasing her career. She automatically became the breadwinner, and she said no to that, insisting that her mother did not train her to take care of a man.
It’s not easy for a woman to stand in as a breadwinner. It takes a whole lot. Sometimes, it can be painful when the deal is 50/50 only for the man to suddenly start bringing in 20%. Sometimes nothing. Then one day, you go through your husband’s phone, only to realise that the money that would have helped to settle bills at home is spent on different women and hotel bills. How will you have respect for such a man?
Sandra clocked 30 and felt she was getting too old and needed to settle down. She felt earning a salary of five hundred thousand was good enough sum to marry any man and settle down. In her mind, she can care for herself. But the economy will teach her a lesson. She met Okon, and they dated briefly, Okon saw her as a money spender and felt he had hit a Jack pot.
They got married, and then Nigeria economy happened to her. Sandra was okay as an independent woman without the husband’s support. After she got pregnant and had a daughter, it dawned on her that five hundred thousand naira without additional support was nothing in this economy. She practically ran the home. When the child started school, Sandra became a bitter woman. Always fighting constantly and demanding support from Okon. But he cared less.
Sandra, in regret, cried to her friends. It became the worst mistake of her life. She realized she was better off single. For how long would she have to living like a single parent in her own marital home? The funny part of the story was that the same man went about telling whoever cared to listen that his wife was s disrespectful. His friends have tagged her a bad woman.
Society is fast to judge. “Yes, na so these feminists them be. Once they have money pass or reach their husbands, them go lack respect”. But no one cares to know what the woman is experiencing in her home. Anyone who pays the bills demands loyalty and respect, not to talk of when a woman is the one covering your shame from the world. Respect is earned.
Let’s look at the biblical aspect of a man’s role in his home. 1 Timothy 5:8 states: “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever”. There is no rule that a man must earn more than a woman, but it’s an error for a man not to support his home.
Mr Kunle was a civil servant, while his wife was a graphic designer. She got a job offer in Canada, with a mouth-watering pay. He supported his wife to travel and secure the job. There was also a plan for him and the kids to join her later. She left, processed their papers, and they flew to Canada. Kunle became a proud stay-at-home dad in Canada. They have been in Canada for 15 years. Why did it work? Because the man decided to be a support system to his wife and not become a complete liability. He is not a weak man by opting to stay at home and care for the family.
For most women, they can’t stomach the fact that they have to support the home for the long term. They will gradually lose total respect and may start resenting their husbands and become aggressive and abusive. Some women can totally kill a man’s pride and refuse to acknowledge that the man is making effort to change things for the better.
But can we go back to the time when men stood as men and tried the little they could to support the home and never depend on their wives to run the home? Can we go back to the time when women supported the home without the kids and people knowing, because it was a shame for people to know that their husbands can’t run the home, so they don’t see their husbands as being weak?
Marriage is meant to be built based on respect, love, and understanding. It should not be run by pride, disrespect and arrogance. But by love, understanding, kindness, determination, and discipline.
